Impromptu Haiku

2006-05-01T11:05:00.000-04:00

Okay, this time I'm
not lying. I suddenly
have more time to waste.

(TIME: 1")

2006-04-04T09:17:00.000-04:00

A long time ago
in an ocean far away.
Fluke Skywater swims...

2006-03-31T15:38:00.000-05:00

My haiku-less streak
is broken, like that mountain
with the back problems.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-31T14:24:00.000-05:00

They used to make Coke

Using actual cocaine

GAH! FUCK! IT'S EMPTY!

2006-03-28T17:24:00.000-05:00

"HULK SMASH PUNY BOSS"
The thought bubble in my
meeting doodle says

2006-03-24T09:55:00.000-05:00

Shit, I went through a
whole week without posting. No
credibility.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-20T19:13:00.000-05:00

"Hey, your shoe's untied,"
I say, as I steal your yummy,
hot, toaster pastry.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-18T18:36:00.000-05:00

Laqured lanes calling
for polished pearls, the sweetness
of rolling perfect.

(TIME: 2')

2006-03-17T21:37:00.000-05:00

Catching leprechauns
lucky? Yeah, right. They're at crotch
level and they bite.

(TIME: 1' 23")

2006-03-15T21:29:00.000-05:00

Hitler survived. His
new fiendish plan is to give
me parking tickets.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

"The spiders, spiders
everywhere! Get them off!"-- based
on real life events.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-13T19:19:00.000-05:00

Whistling through wheat
fields, taste a box clam dinner—
mmm, hungry for pie.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-11T19:32:00.000-05:00

That chambered dwelling,
my suburban brood cave, my
basement apartment.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-10T22:25:00.000-05:00

The surface of things–
buffed, polished, waxed, slick to touch—
my achilles heel.

(TIME: 1'10")

2006-03-09T20:40:00.000-05:00

Midnight strikes a pose;
spy a distant full moon-- wait,
where are your moms pants?

(TIME: 2'20")

2006-03-07T19:10:00.000-05:00

My body is a
battleground, invaded, bombed;
curse General Tso!

(TIME: 1'20")

2006-03-06T19:20:00.000-05:00

Oscar the idol:
your untainted pureness is
behind my broke back.

(TIME: 2')

2006-03-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

Arrr, pirates be neat.
My poop deck needs swabbing, bring
yer peg leg, matey.

(TIME: 1')

2006-03-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

Oh, gin martinis
and sake laced with roofies,
my liver thanks you.

(TIME: 30")

2006-03-02T18:33:00.000-05:00

Fat, Ash, now Thursday;
a lean, clean, moderate day,
shitting on our fun.

(TIME: 2'34")

2006-03-02T11:21:00.000-05:00

Make Jim sit in back,
there's no airbags, we can
live off him the longest...

(15 seconds)

2006-03-01T18:45:00.000-05:00

Ash Wednesday lacks fun.
Instead, I propose something
better: Ass Wednesday.

(TIME: 2')

2006-02-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

Foie gras for mardi
(je suis le motherfucker).
Fork my sweet paté.

(TIME: 1'12")

2006-02-26T21:27:00.000-05:00

Eye salami once
in a while. You salami
much more and four score.

lest four score

2006-02-25T19:23:00.000-05:00

Grounded today, but
aloft tomorrow, sat wedged
'twixt strange humanity.

(TIME: 2')

2006-02-24T21:02:00.000-05:00

South of the border—
Tijuana brass and rum;
oops, rusty trombone.

(TIME: 2')

2006-02-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

"Disestablishment"
is five syllables. So is
"anthropomorphize".

(TIME: I HAVE NO TIME)

2006-02-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

James Brown was a sex
machine; but I'm building a
special cock robot.

(TIME: 3')

2006-02-21T14:17:00.000-05:00

Your Momma's so fat,
she lost her foot to type one
diabetes. *cough*

(TIME: 1')

2006-02-20T15:58:00.000-05:00

I think if muppets
had genitals, they would skeet
fluffy marshmallow.

(TIME: 1'25")

2006-02-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

I'm a collector—
I collect a lot of dust.
My hobbie, my life.

(TIME 1'45")

2006-02-18T12:48:00.000-05:00

Oh February, you
drag on like my leprous club
foot, oozing with pus.

(TIME: 2")

2006-02-17T11:27:00.000-05:00

Hah, Julie Andrews?
So you're out now? Can I rest
my sack on your chin?

(TIME: 2'23")

Ding... Dong...

2006-02-17T09:45:00.000-05:00

My balls are alive
with the sound of music! Ding!
Dong! Julie Andrews!

1:12

2006-02-16T11:30:00.000-05:00

Think I can stretch my
fifteen minutes of fame if
I bring more ammo.

(TIME: 2'2")

2006-02-15T10:52:00.000-05:00

My back is killing
me today, tell your mom to
go easy next time.

(TIME: 1')

2006-02-14T09:42:00.000-05:00

Floating, fat, naked
toddlers hunt us. Today is a
bad day for flesh wounds.

(TIME: 2'48")

2006-02-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

Shovel, shovel, toil
and trouble, my back's on fire,
my knees were buckled.

(TIME: 2'ish)

2006-02-11T16:27:00.000-05:00

Have a scotch or three!
Next step, a bottle of wine.
Mix, let sit, vomit!

under 3 drunk minutes

2006-02-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

Ohhhh, snow. You spread white
joy all over my face. God
is all, "bukkake!"

(TIME: 30")

2006-02-10T10:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I learned
that forty-five percent of
Oreos are dunked.

(TIME: 2'43")

2006-02-09T12:06:00.000-05:00

I figured out that
my blog name works here real well:
superimportant.

TIME: however long it took me to pee and walk back to my desk after peeing. 

a superimportant rejected announcement

2006-02-08T17:10:00.000-05:00

Haiku Harry, the haberdasher of hoopla, is proud to welcome two new ninja contributors to Impromptu Haiku: The Messenger and Ginsu Gary. As promised, they will stick to HH's strict code of KHT (Kamikaze Haiku Technique), and as an added bonus, all contributors will start posting their finish times. It's hardcore haiku, motherfuckers!

2006-02-08T17:00:00.000-05:00

The way I kick it,
Give you a ticket and stick
it in your rear view.

1:23

2006-02-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

I took my socks off
because the AC is fucked.
sweaty feet! ha ha!

2006-02-08T10:59:00.000-05:00

At my funeral,
I hope you scream "Oh no, he
was using brand X!"

2006-02-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

Sweet balls, I almost
forgot to post my haiku
today! Here it is!

2006-02-06T11:03:00.000-05:00

I must work on a
farm, 'cause a lot of headless
chickens run around.

2006-02-05T12:56:00.000-05:00

as george carlin said,
"shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits."

2006-02-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Beantown.
Today, curry bean soup lunch.
My system is clean.

2006-02-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

Today's post is from special guest contributor, Ginsu Gary:

Oops, freudian slip!
Like what I gave to your mom,
or was that my mom...

2006-02-01T09:31:00.000-05:00

Say what you want, chimp;
the state of our disunion
is stronger. Retard.

2006-01-31T11:16:00.000-05:00

"Can you spare some change?"
says rich hobo. Instead, I
spare a kick to groin.

2006-01-30T10:14:00.000-05:00

Cement sidewalks are
gay. I would prefer rubber
bands under my feet.

2006-01-29T12:52:00.000-05:00

And God said, "Sunday
is a fun-day, get freaky
on da streets". Liar!

2006-01-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

Again, Saturday--
Again, the office beckons.
Someone shoot me now.

2006-01-27T11:17:00.000-05:00

"Oh no, another
fucking haiku blog? That's gay!"
"Hey, shut the fuck up."